2008 Woodie Awards
Learning to let go
Nick Kepley
Issue date: 1/23/06 Section: Forum
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I thought things would change after my father joined Alcoholics Anonymous and was sober for a few years, but they didn't. He remained as distant as always.
I carried the weight of his failings with me everywhere. Every time I saw a movie that dealt with father/son relationships I would comment how it mirrored my own life. I would remind my friends after they finished telling me about their own parental disputes that they were lucky to even have a father. My grief consumed my identity.
Then one night, a year after I graduated from high school, everything changed.
I was performing with a ballet company in Austin, Texas when my father came out to stay with me for a week. As I helped him set up the inflatable mattress on the floor in my room, I realized that for the next four days I would be living with a man I didn't even know.
"Why did he come out here?" I asked myself. "He doesn't even care."
During dinner, I decided to confront him about our relationship, or lack thereof. Didn't he think something was missing? Wouldn't he like to know more about me, to be closer to me?
No. He thought everything was just as it should be.
His response was unbelievable and yet as the words came out, I heard what he was saying for the first time. He was completely satisfied with himself. No matter how badly I wanted him to drop down on his knees and apologize to me for all the years of hurt and sadness, he wasn't going to.
I understood and it was time to move on.
"I'm not going to be sad about you anymore," I told him.
Since that night two years ago things between my father and I have been completely different. I can see him and talk to him without being overwhelmed by sadness and anger. Now when I hug him, I know how to let go. I can let him be who he is because that's all he knows how to be.
Maya Angelou writes that at the beginning of every trying time in our lives it is wise to stop and give thanks because when it ends, as it undoubtedly will, you know that you are going to come out on the other side even stronger, and that is something to be thankful for.
I think that's what my father taught me: that everyone and everything in your life may not live up to your expectations, but that everyone does the best that they can. Life deals us many disappointments and fallen dreams, but if you can learn to let go you might just discover a peace you never knew existed.
nkepley@unews.com
I carried the weight of his failings with me everywhere. Every time I saw a movie that dealt with father/son relationships I would comment how it mirrored my own life. I would remind my friends after they finished telling me about their own parental disputes that they were lucky to even have a father. My grief consumed my identity.
Then one night, a year after I graduated from high school, everything changed.
I was performing with a ballet company in Austin, Texas when my father came out to stay with me for a week. As I helped him set up the inflatable mattress on the floor in my room, I realized that for the next four days I would be living with a man I didn't even know.
"Why did he come out here?" I asked myself. "He doesn't even care."
During dinner, I decided to confront him about our relationship, or lack thereof. Didn't he think something was missing? Wouldn't he like to know more about me, to be closer to me?
No. He thought everything was just as it should be.
His response was unbelievable and yet as the words came out, I heard what he was saying for the first time. He was completely satisfied with himself. No matter how badly I wanted him to drop down on his knees and apologize to me for all the years of hurt and sadness, he wasn't going to.
I understood and it was time to move on.
"I'm not going to be sad about you anymore," I told him.
Since that night two years ago things between my father and I have been completely different. I can see him and talk to him without being overwhelmed by sadness and anger. Now when I hug him, I know how to let go. I can let him be who he is because that's all he knows how to be.
Maya Angelou writes that at the beginning of every trying time in our lives it is wise to stop and give thanks because when it ends, as it undoubtedly will, you know that you are going to come out on the other side even stronger, and that is something to be thankful for.
I think that's what my father taught me: that everyone and everything in your life may not live up to your expectations, but that everyone does the best that they can. Life deals us many disappointments and fallen dreams, but if you can learn to let go you might just discover a peace you never knew existed.
nkepley@unews.com
