Dear Christian, - Ghosts and Ghouls

By: Christian Rose

Posted: 10/20/08

Dear Readers,

I do not usually go to haunted houses.

I figure that growing up and dealing with my other responsibilities like bills, car payments and passing Spanish class is way more frightening than a dark room with some animatronics and strobe lights.

I do, however, love scary movies.

I can spend an hour at Blockbuster meticulously going through the aisles and aisles of horror films trying to decide what I happen to be in the mood to watch.

Should I watch something classic like Aliens or Dracula or do I go for something a bit more contemporarily-cheesy, such as House of Wax (which is mostly just to watch Paris Hilton get hacked to bits)?

Once I finally make a decision, I will pop the DVD in, turn off all the lights, close the blinds and pile under the covers with my dog and prepare to jump out of my skin the second the movie starts.

It does not really matter what movie I choose, whether or not it received critical acclaim and how campy it turns out to be, it will always scare me.

For me, it is the overall idea of being scared that is so much fun and the more frightened I get, the more fun I have. What a way to spend a sunny afternoon!

Oh, I forgot to mention, I will never watch a horror film after the sun goes down. Unless there is plenty of light after I pull up the shades, I will not be watching Jason Vorhees kill the campers at Crystal Lake while working through his sexual hang-ups.

I am happy to watch the living dead reek havoc under the protection of daylight. I get less ecstatic with the notion when I cannot sleep out of sheer terror of the possibility that I could be living on my own version of Elm Street.

Because of the chilly overcast weather, last week was the perfect week to indulge in an afternoon of terror when my cell phone rang and nearly scared me stiff.

I did not need a name to show up on the caller ID, I recognized the number immediately.

It was my ex, who happens to be a real life ghoul.

This person slashed my little heart so brutally that Freddie Krueger could have taken notes. Never contented with leaving the barely-beating organ where it landed when it was ripped from my chest, Ghoul continues to call so often that I feel like I am sometimes living in one low-budget sequel after another.

After this latest phone call, I began to wonder why watching ghouls and ghosts is so appealing after you've dated one?

My grandma would say that an ex is an ex for a reason. In a relationship where there was screaming, stalking and eerie sound effects, scary movies teach us that ultimately there is someone who is just not going to make it out alive.

Chickens, pay attention when I tell you that once a real life horror movie ends and the credits roll, do not try to resuscitate the corpses!

Even if Spielberg himself should agree to direct the sequel, and promises millions in merchandising royalties - do your audience and you a favor by leaving the stake in the heart, waiting for the morning sun and turning away before the ashes get into your eyes.

crose@unews.com