BLACK LOVE: A good man is hard to find

By: Brittany Lane

Posted: 12/4/06

What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man" is what the first all-female rap crew Salt N Pepa sang back in the '90s.

What a joke.

As a black woman mixed up in the dating scene, I am unsure about my romantic future. I never used to listen to the cynical older women I've encountered in my lifetime through work, family and friends. Those cynics used to croak that "a good black man is hard to find." But now these battle axes' voices are echoing repeatedly in my head. Their tales of love gone wrong coupled with my bad dating experiences have led me to wonder if what they say is true.

Are there any good men out there? And more specifically: is it impossible to find a good black man?

Do not write me off as another angry or bitter black woman because I am not either. I know I am 21 years young. I know I have a whole lifetime ahead of me to date, love and marry. It's just that as I get older and learn the facts, it's becoming clear that black love is an endangered species in America.

The facts are grim as far as dating and marriage go in the black community. Stats vary depending on what data you look at. However, the bottom line is that blacks are less likely to find love and marry than whites. One study put 34 percent of blacks in marriages compared to 57 percent of whites.

Only 31 percent of black women married in 2002, a huge decline from the 62 percent who married in 1950. And to make matters worse, blacks have higher divorce rates than any other ethnic group - nearly half our marriages end in divorce by the 10th anniversary. As black women outnumber black men 100 to 90, they are the least likely to marry behind whites, Hispanics, and even black men.

I'm not even ready to jump off into the marriage deep end, but you can see why I am concerned. I'm just trying to date, which is tough enough in itself for black women. There are not a whole lot of us to choose from in the first place. 2005 Census Bureau data puts blacks at 12.1 percent of the U.S. population. Less than half of those numbers are males and of that, less than 4 percent single or available.

Factor in who's "good" or desirable and the numbers become depressing.

It looks even bleaker if you consider that the most desirable of these men are concentrated around larger U.S. cities and not in the Kansas City area. Blacks make up 11.2 percent of the population in Missouri and 5.5 percent in Kansas.

Then there seem to be particular issues black women must deal with when dating black men.

Our men's character, intelligence and manhood are attacked on a daily basis in America. The legacy of slavery, racism, injustice crime, and poverty has discouraged black men from succeeding. Many of our men are in prisons, on the streets, or in equally unappealing conditions, making it difficult for black love to thrive.

With black women becoming increasingly educated over black men, the plight continues and the pool of favorable men narrows even more. My single black college girl friends and I look for similar characteristics in potential suitors. We like to date men that have open minds and clear goals. Yet, that's hard to find in a black man when most of them are struggling just to survive. We also try to date men that are not attempting to live some kind of thug life. That's proven difficult to find, too. I guess it's what we should expect when most black males grow up without a steady father figure and rappers glorify hustling, expensive toys, and devaluing women.

Don't even get me started on trying to find a black man that does not already have children, wants to take you out on dates that involve actually leaving the house, has not been in trouble with the law, does not have trouble expressing his feelings, isn't a liar or cheater, and is not a commitment-phobic.

Dating educated black men or those with good jobs does not exempt you from dealing with issues, either. Some of these men are conceited and unwilling to settle down since they feel like hot commodities who can have any woman they want because of the pool of less-desirable men.

With all the factors working against them, many black women end up settling for any man.

There's nothing wrong with compromising. That's part of loving someone. But don't settle. I refuse to settle. Settling dooms you to becoming one of those battle axes that complain about the lack of good men.

I hope things change for the better for black love in our community. Until then, I'll try to remain optimistic about my romantic future and open-minded about dating. Love does not have to be defined by race.

Maybe one day I'll know what Salt N Pepa were singing about.

blane@unews.com