Dear Christian, - Kiss and tell

By: Christian Rose

Posted: 10/13/08

Dearest readers,

Usually I would never do something so crass as to break the cardinal rule of discretion - I hold this principle in highest regard. However, I feel it important this week to kiss-and-tell.

Generally speaking, if someone asks me out, I make it a point to oblige. Of course, there are a few factors involved, but, if there is nothing blaringly obvious to prevent me from extending concurrence, I find it rude to decline.

Please be aware after eons of being single, I have honed my instincts at weeding out the crazies and devil worshippers - for the most part.

For instance, if someone happens to extend an invitation to a roast at the Temple of Set, I've learned it is not some Jewish version of a barbeque. It ends with scary men in hooded masks roasting a pig and praying to the devil.

Dear hearts, I am all for freedom of religion and experiencing new things, but, at the end of the day, I am a Southern Catholic - and a relationship with someone that prays to Satan would not work out.

I think it was understood there would not be a second date when I ran to my car, locked the doors and said the stations as I peeled out of the boarded-up abandoned warehouse parking lot. After all, why would you spend 20 or 30 years with someone that you won't bump into in the hereafter?

Granted, the above situation, in retrospect, could have been avoided if I would have simply noticed the pentagram tattoo on the wrist or the less visible 666 on the license plate. But, ever the optimist, I like to believe that everyone is entitled to their own belief system. Unless you're blowing up buildings or dropping children down wells, I figure I can find 20 minutes in my schedule to have a latte, as long as you're paying.

My grandma would say you should never complain about being single if you are always washing your hair on Saturday night. I forget, dearest, that most of you do not speak Southern. Allow me to translate. You have to get out there and make yourself available!

What this does not mean is you behave in a way that demeans you by acting like a tramp. Rather, accept those gracious invitations which are so hard for the Bubbas of the world to initiate. Worst case scenario, you end up with a little more experience than you had before, and I am a big believer that practice makes perfect.

I will let you in on a little secret that has taken me years to discover: the self esteem of Bubba is fragile and well-protected. Be kind and always mindful of this fact. You can use this to your advantage should the relationship progress.

This brings me to my latest date this week. It was actually a second date, and we were celebrating my new job as a writer for a new magazine. Browsing through the advanced copy of my column, I batted my eyes and humorously advised that I was kind of a "big deal." In response, my date told me it was a very narcissistic thing to say and not very attractive.

Dearest hearts, I do not think of myself as an egomaniac and the comment was meant to be light-hearted and flirty.

In dating, it is easy to recognize the signs that someone is not right for you; the subtle nuances prove to be more difficult.

You are too precious to be with anyone that does know how amazing you are and doesn't try to shout it from the rooftops. I want your someone to be so wrapped up and tangled into you that they see the moon rise and set in your eyes.

Dearest, be on the look-out for the signs and never settle for less than the moon.

Ever yours, Christian

crose@unews.com