Horoscopes

ARIES

March 21-April 20

Nice dress, ma'am. Please pass the salt, not the hand grenades.

TAURUS

April 21-May 20

Hugs, not pugs. Or, at least get a nice terrier - those pugs are vicious.

GEMINI

May 21-June 21

Duh.

CANCER

June 22-July 22

Look to the dimple. It fills the void of silence with a wonderful void.

LEO

July 23-Aug. 22

Purple ice cream has no liver, so it should stick with cranberry juice. And so should you.

VIRGO

Aug. 23-Sept. 22

Try a parmesan steak. I hear the A.1. sauce really completes the flavor.

LIBRA

Sept. 23-Oct. 23

Go to a bar. Have a few drinks. Write yourself a horoscope. On a napkin.

SCORPIO

Oct. 24-Nov. 22

Spam and welding torches are in your future. Exercise caution.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23-Dec. 21

Psych! Tubular. Gnarly. Bodacious! Dude. Seriously dude! Dude.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22-Jan. 20

Embrace uncertainty. Truth can never be found while you hold to dogma like a rat to a sinking ship.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 21-Feb. 19

Find a beautiful person sitting across from you. Don't worry, they're here now, and that's what matters.

PISCES

Feb. 20-March 20

To make it through midterms, creep like a mouse, bite like a llama.