Horoscope

ARIES

March 21-April 20

Open the horizons of art for a young child who is distantly related to you by giving them a violin. Take pleasure in the suffering of their parents.

TAURUS

April 21-May 20

Show your friendly and outgoing nature to the people you meet this week by giving them breath mints.

GEMINI

May 21-June 21

Only pansies and boozers wear suits. Real people wear real clothes: real men wear muscle shirts and cut-offs and real women wear sweatpants and stained T-shirts.

CANCER

June 22-July 22

To flesh out your résumé and demonstrate your roundedness as a person, add all the cons that you have attended. Gen Con and Dragon*Con are important experiences for that new job.

LEO

July 23-Aug. 22

Observe Talk Like a Cockney Day on April 25. This little-known progeny of Talk like a Pirate Day is one of the hottest up-and-coming holidays. It's sure to rival Boxing Day in the near future.

VIRGO

Aug. 23-Sept. 22

Buy yourself a slurpie and chug it. If you can chug it in under 30 seconds, something good might happen . . . it's called a brain freeze.

LIBRA

Sept. 23-Oct. 23

As you get bored this week, consider taking the hard drive out of your computer and using the discs as Frisbees. Plan on buying a new computer.

SCORPIO

Oct. 24-Nov. 22

If you can't find direction in your life, put off the quest for meaning with a year-long game of cricket.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23-Dec. 21

Change your favorite color to orange. It's the most versatile of the colors; you can eat it with chicken, wear it in clothes, drink it in soda, even paint your dog orange.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22-Jan. 20

Brace yourself for finals. The hordes of Viking instructors are out to pillage your grades and sanity.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 21-Feb. 19

Only suckers volunteer. The truly wise person volunteers someone else.

PISCES

Feb. 20-March 20

Absolutely, positively, never, ever, under any circumstances, read the directions. Just say no.